I forgive myself

forgive yourself“No matter how good you try to be to others, you will occasionally hurt them.  

Forgive yourself for it.”

 – Unknown

Over the years, I have hurt many people.  Some of the hurts were designed and executed by my own hand.  Some of the hurts were out of my control.  But the guilt I carry for inflicting these pains is all within my control and over shadows my every day.

If you offend, ask for a pardon; if offended forgive.

 – African Proverb

forgive meSo I sought out those people and asked forgiveness.  Some granted it with no explanation, others required more.  But those people who are still a part of my life, granted forgiveness whether they understood why or not.

Now the only person left to forgive me for my wrongs, for the pain I have caused others,  is me.

Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts.  

– Penelope Sweet

Forgiving ones self, I am finding, is a very difficult pill to swallow.  The guilt is almost sticky.  When I think the guilt is gone, I will find it hidden away in small actions or phrases, stuck to the action through years of use.  And the forgiveness is still no more than a shell of words.  But I still try.

Every morning I form the words and say to myself, I forgive you.  Every time I trip over another puddle of guilt, I wash it away the best I can and remind myself that others have forgiven me.  I try to stop the “what ifs” as soon as they start.

guiltIt took years to create and perfect the guilt I carry, so I guess it will not go away over night.  But still an epiphany and the magical disappearance of all my guilt, for all the pain and misery I’ve inflicted would be fantastic.

I continue day to day and hope.

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