Round Pegs in Square Holes.

despair.

I’ve always considered my self a round peg. I’m educated and well rounded.  Grounded in reality (most of the time).  I have a live and let live, do unto others type attitude.  And just plain hate confrontations. I can fit into most situations smoothly and exit quietly.  So why then do I find myself so uncomfortable with my current situation.

Me and my dogs do not fit in at my son’s house.  I’m an un-welcomed third wheel.  I have no say. I have no place.  I’m useless.

I hide in what is supposed to be my room to avoid conflict.  I sit quietly during conversations, my opinion is not welcome. I’m not aloud to get upset or speak my mind.  I’m accused of things I would never do.  My son and his live in, invited me into their house, but will not make a place for me.

I know I’m sick in the head, but I really don’t think I could make all this up. I’m in no better mental, physical or financial situation being here than when I was on my own.  I’ve done it again.  I was optimistic (yet apprehensive) and took someone else’s word.  I had a gut feeling, but put it on a back burner.  Now look, I’m pretty much stuck now.  Once again caught in the hell that is grey.

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Dark

images.

How do I explain to situation I’ve gotten myself into?

How do I survive the world I’ve created?

Why do I make the decisions I do?

I’m tired of just existing in the grey area between light and dark.  At this point I’d be happy with the dark.  At least I’d be somewhere.

There are to many words……

lonelylonely

Friendship

balanceThe rule of friendship means there should be mutual sympathy between them,

each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other.

— Buddha

Be Yourself

winnie-fishing“A fish can’t whistle and neither can I.”

There’s nothing wrong with not being able to whistle, especially if you’re a fish. But there can be lots of things wrong with blindly trying to do what you aren’t designed for.

The Tao of Pooh

 

Change

change

Any change, even a change for the better,

is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.

Arnold Bennett

Change, my life right now is in a constant state of change.  And yes, Mr. Bennett is right.  It is accompanied by many drawbacks and discomforts.

I’ve always been resistant to change on the inside, while on the outside displaying (or trying to display) the strong, adventurous, scared of nothing persona.  And when I did change something in my life, it was selected carefully and only one thing at a time was changed.

So what got into me?  I have totally turned my world upside down.  I’ve dumped out everything and replaced it with new and alien things.  I’m lost, alone, uncomfortable and confused.

I hate mania……..I hate the pain of change.

Inner Beauty

inner beautySome people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty.

It merely moves from their faces to their hearts.

— Martin Buxbaum

 

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