Uncontrollable Emotions

deression“I am getting tired of pretending that I am happy..pretending that I am okay. I am not happy. I am not okay. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I know that I am surrounded by people who care about me.. but it is not enough. It is not enough because just because someone cares about you and can try and listen to you.. it does not mean they understand you. They do not know what you think about, they do not know that at night time you feel so lonely……….” excerpt from Uncontrollable Emotions.

Isn’t it true?  Everyone can have the best of intentions but they just don’t get it.  Unless you’re someone who is trying to manage depression and/or bipolar disorder, it’s impossible to really understand the depths of the loneliness.  I’ve reached out to close friends in my circle and educated them on my illness, asked for their help and even written down what they can do to help me.  My moods come and go, and none of them reach out to be to offer help.  All I get is painful comments about ‘getting over it’ or ‘you were more fun last week’.

I stand on my own, armed with the weapons I can find.  It’s me against bipolar.  Come on!  Give me your best shot.

 

Then they came for the mentally ill…

Then they came for the mentally ill….

 

Please read the above.

 

Over the years I have hidden my mental illness from family, friends….. everyone including myself sometimes.  It is just recently that I have accepted my Bipolar disorder as one of the unique traits that makes me, me.  I’ve just gotten out from under my own thumb and now I may be tagged and labeled as sub-human in the governments’ eye.  Then why do I hold down a job, pay bills and taxes, vote, etc… just like a “real” person.  And damn it, I do it very well.

 

They can’t do this!

Famous People Who Accepted the Challenge

I found this very inspiring.  If they made a success out of their lives with this hurdle, then damn it so can I.

Lost in the Tunnel

Lost in a tunnel you ask.  How?  Tunnels are one way or the other and  definately have a start and finish.  Sometimes you can even see the end of the tunnel before you even enter the tunnel.  So again, how you ask do you get lost? 

When the tunnel is depression, getting lost is painfully easy for me.  I’ ve been in the tunnel for a couple months now, making strategic moves a couple feet left then a couple feet right with no success.  I begrudgingly take my meds, since I’m not seeing them helping.  I continue to put one foot in front if the other (because I’m supposed to) and strain my eyes for that hint of light at the end of the tunnel.

Disclaimer:  grammer & spelling

Acceptance

As a teenager I was cursed with erratic mood changes. There were dark, introspective moods and exhausting, creative highs that taxed my parents and teachers patience. My parents tried everything, believing it to just be teenage acting out. Discipline, family therapy, you name it they tried it. All to no avail.

The roller coaster of my teenage years rolled right into my twenties. On my own then, with no parents to reign me in, my world fell apart. In ten short years I was; married, divorced, had two children, became estranged to my children, had a beautiful home, lived in my car, had six jobs and totally ruined my credit. I self medicated with street drugs and alcohol and barely kept myself alive.

Rx as life lineDuring a very low spot during my thirties, while my second husband was traveling, I hit my first suicidal low with witnesses. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disease during that episode and started on the first medication I had ever had for my moods. Partially relieved and partially scared, I religiously took my medications for a few years. My moods were not me being childish but due to a real physical short coming in my chemical makeup. That was a relief. But the fact that this was going to be with me for life, as with most, did not sit well.

On and off my medications through out my thirties and forties, some how I managed to stay acceptably functional. I read everything I could find on Bipolar Disease and keys to managing it. I put in place routines, educated (yea right, I let them know I was moody) a friend or two and tried to manage my condition without medication when ever I could. Without fail, after a period of time, a serious low would hit and I’d have to frantically find a doctor for a prescription. Then, once leveling out, I’d find that I had not managed my condition as well as I thought. There would be binders of depressed poetry and bills for things I did not remember buying. Arg!

Sounds familiar doesn’t it. Every book or article I have ever read, every person I have ever spoken to has a similar story. The illusion that everything is okay and the medication is no longer needed is a very strong foe.

So here I am 300 words into my story and all I wanted to say is acceptance. Medications will be a part of my life, for the rest of my life. I have a disease that can not be cured and does not magically go away. It can though, be successfully managed through medication. And I need to put safety nets in place so that when I think I no longer need medications, I can be reminded of the truth.

How do I out think myself? Answer: Go some place I would not go.

In simple English. I have always been very private about my condition and the daily battles that I wage with myself. So I have crossed that line. I have openly shared with loved ones, and through this blog, that I have Bipolar Disease. I am Manic-Depressive. I have to take medications for the rest of my life. I leave my Rx bottles out where they can be seen. I’ve told my loved ones about indicators that my moods are out of wack. It was emotionally painful and embarrassing to share this information openly. But the pain of sharing pales next to the pain of the unmedicated me and the havoc I reek on my life and those I love.

This is another step that I’m taking to ensure I stay health, happy and productive

Here’s to staying between the lines.

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