Who you think you are

yes you canIt’s not who you are that holds you back,

it’s who you think you’re not.

-Author Unknown

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Oh how painfully true this quote is.  I can’t tell you how many times I have limited myself, because I’ve said to myself; I am not that person, I do not have that skill, I can not do that.  Then only to find during a manic state when can’t is not in my vocabulary, that I can do it.  And I can do it very well.  Just like you, I am a very talented, resourceful person.  It is depression and fear that limits us to the status quo.  We are creators, inventors, dreamers, writers.  We are adventurers and innovators.  We can enjoy this life we’ve been given.  But we have to use our resources, all of them.  We have to use the routines, the specialists, and the medications.  I’m trying to use all of my resources, to live my life to the fullest.  I’m not joining the army, but I am going to be all I can be.

Belief in Success

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To succeed, we must first believe that we can.

Michael Korda

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To succeed, to succeed at what?  I live with the depression part of bipolar every day.  I take enough medications to start my own pharmacy.  And I don’t see myself as reaching my definition of the “normal” mood range.  I was talking to my psychiatrist the other day, trying to explain.  To hell with his opinion of normal.  He doesn’t have to live with “this”.  It becomes hard to continue on the regimen set up to supposedly protect me for stimulus that will trigger an event when I can’t see the prize.  I’m the one who mechanically goes through each day putting on “hats”  (my name for putting on artificial moods and personalities) to socially appear normal for the situation.  I don’t see my moods, social interactions, etc as on the same level as those around me.  But I’m told to continue, to believe I can do it.  Stay on the regimen.  Keep taking the meds.

who am iI haven’t had a serious episode in a year now.  That’s great, right?  I still have the same job, home, companion…… I am managing to keep this blog and other daily activities going.  Is this my normal?  One day I want to smile, just because I’m alive.  Not because the self help books, doctors, therapists tell me it’s the appropriate thing to do.

I believe I can.  I believe I can.  I believe I can succeed at being a productive member of society.  Even though I do have this hurdle called Bipolar.  I believe I can.  I believe I can.  I believe I can succeed at just being “happy” today.

 

Who am I?

Over the past few weeks, meds have been added to the list of chemicals that keep me productive and socially acceptable.  Meds to increase this behavior and reduce that behavior, all designed to mold me into me.  But the question always arises, who am I?  Is the medication going to control too much of a behavior or maybe totally supress a trait that is part of me?

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This is the foundation thinking for my master plan of being chemical free.  I’ll admit it is an unhealthy and unrealistic plan considering how poorly I function without chemical help.  But the thoughts always haunt me when new medication is introduced.  Some wonderful personality trait is going to be lost in order to control a symptom of my disorder.

There is a deep seated desire for a quality life.  Where do I draw the line?  At what point do I stop giving up pieces of me in order to fit in mainstream life.  What if I am eccentric or unique?  Are a couple of quirks really that bad compared to a zombie existance?

I exagerate.  But thats part of my personality also.   I’m just worried.  Who am I and what can I keep?

Pls excuse typos.

In search of Flowers

Hello all.  Checking in on day number three on Abilify.  My eyes feel like they are floating in a pool of mashed potatoes and I have a headache that would bring Godzila to his knees.  I’m all to aware of the fact that it “takes time” for the medication to build up in the system.  Really don’t remember if Abilify is one of those.  But I’m not seeing any good yet and the side effects have me missing work and feeling miserable.  The confusion and agitation of feeking my depression and mania at the same time with an added a large dose of physical pain and you’ve reached my breaking point.

My mind is racing more than ever.  Is this the right drug for me?  Will the mixed episode ever go away?  Can I hold on three more days till I see the Doc again?  When I increase the milligrams tonight, will the effects get worse? 

Having a hard time focusing.  Going to water the plants.***********-********************
I’m back for a minute. Watering the plants turned into visiting a good friend. Which was interrupted by a need to know what was going on in the blogs. Which was rather abruptly halted by a need, un-controllable need to make flowers. So I drove to the craft store which was interrupted by a forgotten about prescription. Four hours after I set out to water plants, I’m now making these adorable flowers. Not sure why, but back to it.
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I am now the proud owner of some cute felt sunflowers that one day, hopefully will find a perfect home in some other project. Color choice could have been nicer. But hey, depression was in charge of that. What did I expect. Right now the sunflowers home will be in the project room. Most of us have a room or space were all the “had to do right now” projects go, usually incompleted in my case.

So I guess I had a successful day. I visited, ran a errand and did a project. Nothing to clean up, fix or denigh.

Silence Has Not Been Golden

I’ve been kinda quiet for a while now. To be 100% honest, I thought I ‘d finally and totally flipped my lid! I’ve been feeling terribly depressed and strangely manic at the same time. Huh? I know I thought the same thing. That’s why I thought I’d lost the bit of sanity that I had. I’d wake depressed, down on life in general, only seeing the uselessness off continuing on the pig path of life. But there would be some creepy mania mixed in…. I listed and categorized all the TV shows previewing this month and programmed the VCR. Depression usually means sofa here I come. Flipping between naps and declining circles of thought. But instead, I was glue to the sofa with my tablet, flipping between researching the declining thoughts and chores that I’d forget almost as soon as I’d stand up.

I am agitated and snippy. Every little thing gets disproportionately under my skin. A stark contrast to my usual 60’s “live and let live” approach on life. I’ve got the shakes and major headaches. I don’t sleep and have no appetite. And get this, some times I can’t form coherent sentences. Crazy! Right?

So after about three weeks of this, with great reluctance, anxiety and fear, I went to my Doctor.  I sat in the waiting room scared to death that he would confirm that the “camel’s last straw had broken” and that I need to be hospitalized again.  Long moments later, after I’d done the last walk to his office and choked out the story of the last few weeks, I sat and waited as he jotted in his folder.  “Welcome to Mixed Episodes” he said.  Luckily my doctor has a great sense of humor and a nice smile.  So the statement fell lightly on my ears.  After it settled, I started the barrage of questions.

Here is what I learned.  I, have only taken a short vacation from my normal, abnormal ups and downs.  Triggered by stress, my moods are really happening at the same time. I have not lost it.   And with the help of a drug called Abilify and the removal of the stress, I can get past this.  Sounds simple, right?

Wrong!  Taking a new medication isn’t really a big deal.  But the removal of the stress is monumental.  If anything, over the next few months the stress will be increasing.  All of you can relate to the economic, job and family stresses we have.  Well mine are getting ready to peak.  So does that mean that this mixed mood stuff is going to last till then? months?  What is a girl to do?

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